Time, at last.

After everything, all the contemplation,

all the mental discussion,

all the internal whirl pools, I’m leaving.

Something I’ve always known about myself, yet only just started to truly grasp is how far my rubber band can stretch before it rebounds back and whacks me in the face. That stretch has really surprised me. I’ve pushed myself through mental barriers I never, ever, thought I could tackle. But now, I’ve finally broken. Now, I’ve 100% dragged myself through enough dirt, to finally let that rubber band break and whack me so damn hard, that there’s simply zero way of hiding the scar. Realising after all this time I’ve done a full circle to simply end up back where I started. With me, myself, and I. Has it all been a waste of time? Certainly not! Does it feel like it’s been a waste of time? Certainly YES!

Where does this story start? Well, love. You guessed it.

I’ve always been a giver (in my opinion). I’ve made the questionable decision to forever wear my heart on my sleeve and with that has come a lot, more than a lot actually, of hurt. Yet the part I’ve always carried with me is the lessons. Now that I’m a touch older, having really challenged myself to be better than I was yesterday in every loving relationship I’ve experienced, I’m now seeing the patterns. These patterns are somewhat… well, downfalls of mine. They’re the broken parts of me that decide to stay with people who hurt me, the parts that believe this is as good as it can possibly get, the parts that are too fearful to walk away out of the sheer insecurity that I could be running, not walking… You see, my mother taught me a few very valuable things when I was growing up, one of them being to always give 110% until you’re given a very fucking great reason not to. Now I’ll admit, I’ve most certainly followed this rule! But to what degree will I continue to put myself in the fire until I’m burnt to the point I have nothing left for myself? That’s why I’m here, tonight, writing this. To try uncover exactly what it is I’m ACTUALLY afraid of, to attempt to understand exactly where that line in the sand needs to be drawn for my future relationships.

So here we are. Let’s begin here, now, age twenty six, living in the heart of Takapuna in a seemingly normal yet wonderful life. What are the mishaps? What is not working here? Firstly, I’ve been in a very tumultuous relationship with myself for I’d say… well, good part (here and there) of a year. Where did this stem from? Easy… my self worth. You see I’ve spent a fuck ton of time trying to be someone for everyone. I’m talking meaningless encounters, to life long friendships, one night flings, my family and most importantly myself.

I thought by being the person everyone wanted me to be,

would make me the person I wanted to be

I thought by playing the part, having the fancy facade, owning the successful business, having so many friends I couldn’t even make time for, going to all the events… all of this ‘stuff’ would prove my worth. That THEN I would be proud of myself. That THEN I would be successful. That THEN I would be in a seamless loving relationship. I thought if I was who they wanted me to be that I’d finally be enough. Well guess what, I was shit the fuck outta luck. Because I’m now miserable and more lost than I ever have been, as all I did was let everyone walk… well, stomp! All over me. I basically got trampled, yet willingly and when you think about it… that’s pretty damn sad.

In eat pray love, Julia Roberts discovers that through all the madness, she was searching for herself. That all the crazy shit she had to go through was an awakening of her soul. Well yea, I think I’m playing a bit of a J.R. card here because I’m about to really fuck shit up, yet for the first time in a really long fucking time I’m actually doing it FOR MYSELF. And that, that right there is how I know that I’m not running, in fact it’s quite the opposite,

I’m seeking.

So what broke?

I wish I could sugar coat this story to make it somehow more thrilling yet I cannot lie and the simple truth is, as mentioned earlier, I broke because of love. As cliche it may be, it was in fact love. I gave and gave and gave, from every last little drop I had left. I did absolutely everything in my power to hold our shit together when all else around the both of us was falling like a land slide. I listened, I adapted, I unconditionally loved through some shit I now realise I really shouldn’t have put up with, until reaching the point of what feels like no return. If I didn’t create change, I was going to walk into my future knowing I’d forever be the broken one, knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I would never have the capability to patch up the hole in our trust that got so wildly broken. Now as innocent I may sound in all this, don’t be fooled as it always takes two to tango. I have been no saint. I have certainly added to the mishap and chaos to cause this rubber band to break, yet have I done anything wrong? No. It was simply the cause of action eating away at time we both thought we had left to step up to the challenge, until we collectively got pushed so far and hit with the heartbreaking realisation that we might not have the capability to bounce back, no matter how much we so desperately wanted to, because something had to change in order to move us forward again.

You know when you’re playing Jenga and you start with a tall and strong foundation? That’s where I started, naive enough to believe that a few Jenga blocks could be pulled out without un-stabilising the beautiful tower I had built. Naive because I didn’t understand how the game of Jenga (life) really worked. Coming to realise that people will tug at your building blocks if you let them, take what they need and run into the wind without even noticing that they’ve taken more than you had to give. Each seemingly insignificant experience is another block being removed from your safe and sound structure. Slowly, you crash to the ground with the thud of a reality check when you look at all your broken blocks, knowing how much time, patience, determination and delicacy it will take for you to re-build that foundation again.

“Why does it hurt so bad? I’m not sure I understand” they ask… Because I have to pick up those blocks, with every last tiny drop of hope I have left in my body and find a way to re-build this tower. No one is there to help me when I fall, only take from me when I’m strong. No one will help me re-build that tower, it’s on me, myself and I. Thats why it hurts so bad, because they don’t love me enough to realise that in the first place.

So, what the fuck am I gonna do about it?

I’m going to quietly walk away, remove myself from the danger zone and head in the direction I desire, I deserve and I whole heartedly want.

For the first time ever, I’m not going to let anyone hold me back, talk me out of it, tell me it won’t work, remind me what I’m leaving behind…

I’m going to eat pray love the shit out of my life, rebuild my Jenga tower and be more aware of my past cycles than ever before. I will work hard to not repeat patterns, call for help and cry out for love and praise. I’m going to figure out what I NEED to fall head over heels, in love, with myself. I’m going to walk not run, as what is due to stay in my life, will be there for me when I get back… the same way I was for those who left me. Because that’s unconditional love.

All the rest? Well… fuck it.

As time passes, we very abruptly conclude that it all meant so little,

with the most weighted illusion cast over it.

That all the crap they said makes you worthy, actually means nothing.

Until it comes from you, it will always mean nothing.

Your innate knowing of worth sit’s on a throne in your own mind and let me tell you, it’s easier to ignore it than it is to acknowledge it. Start there.

Play Time

Wishing upon what could’ve been, I ask my new age self, why so serious? A transit into my inner child there I will find the answer amongst all this chaos. I had it all along…

NEVER GROW UP!

They say when you grow up, reality hits and your vision will never be the same. I remember so vividly as a kid listening to this statement and refusing the outcome, as the ridiculously stubborn Tess I am, this never came to be an issue. I won. Adulting was simply a passing thought that not once weighed on my shoulders.

It has taken me twenty five years of existing to finally wrap my head around what they were all harping on about. You see, it’s not reality, nor is it expectation, money, relationships…. LOVE! Non of they above are applicable. 

IT’S MINDSET.

In this day and age it takes every last drop of willpower to stay young. Social media shoving pills of perfectionism down our throats, forever changing government tax rates, the recession…. the list is engulfing. Yet why do I stand here as a lonesome soldier amidst the oncoming world war 3 attempting to claim that ‘playing’ is SO important?

YOUR CHILDLIKE NATURE IS YOUR DIRECT PATH TO EXPLORATION

In recent years I started to believe that being childish was embarrassing. As if it represented a lack of direction or a reaction to responsibility. I’ve always admired responsibility but somewhere along the line I got it mixed up with adulting. Yet I’m quickly learning that you can still have fun and play in the mud whilst balancing responsibilities that push your life forward. You don’t have to abandon all of the fun and thrilling parts of yourself that you love so dearly, just because you now have young ones to take care of or a mortgage to pay. You absolutely CAN do both! So why is there this pressure and misconception that at a certain age you have to ‘grow up’?

My partner once said to me “I’m procrastinating on committing to the things I want the most, simply because I’m afraid it means I’ll loose myself”. I told him that I understand, yet proceeded to remind him that his resistance to the life he’s afraid to step up to, only pushes him to rebel and do things that truly are ‘childish’ as a running away mechanism. At some point you have to step up, yes. At some point your responsibilities will grow and as scary it may be, no matter the age… It’s happening perfectly in order, the way our universe decided it should for you, so you have nothing to be afraid of because you are in fact ready. The key here is to remember that nobody is telling you to let go of fun, or become anyone different to who you once were at your most joyous and youthful pivots in life. In fact, your youthful nature will likely help you succeed further in your responsibilities. Why you ask? Think of it this way… When your children are trying to learn about the world, they see things very differently, so how do you expect yourself to relate to them and understand that what they’re learning right now, they are in fact learning for the VERY FIRST TIME? You were once there, but if you expect yourself to be such an adult how will you ever relate or relive those lessons with them? You simply won’t, instead you will get frustrated at their lack of knowledge and become impatient with the process of their individual growth. Another example could be in your life’s exploration… When we put a heavy load of responsibilities on our shoulders, we naturally get caught up in the mayhem of completing these tasks, forcing us to feel trapped in our routine and forgetting that we NEED to explore in order to feel fulfilment in our journey. Which leads me back to my original statement ‘YOUR CHILDLIKE NATURE IS YOUR DIRECT PATH TO EXPLORATION’, matter of fact.

When you were a kid, you didn’t think about the consequences nor were you phased about the assumptions people made about your character. It didn’t bother you! You were too naive and intoxicated by the simple beauty experienced through your wee eyeballs that it seemed impossible for any harm to come your way! We develop fear, boundaries, ego and foolishness with age… the same way we develop knowledge, identity, he-insight and wisdom. So my point here is actually super straight forward! Allow yourself the freedom to be a kid again, allow yourself the time to explore, allow yourself to try new things without worrying about being ‘bad’ at them. Because the construct of your behaviour is built off your fear of embarrassing yourself, yet why does that even matter? It’s only fuelling your ego and hey, who the hell wants to fuel that bad boy!? As Jordan Peterson once said “If you’re not willing to be a fool, how will you become a master?”

Remember that you have more to learn, it’s a forever journey that never ever stops. Therefore your ability to let go a little and be at one with your natural playfulness, will help you explore and succeed and thrive to higher hills than you could ever imagine. Never grow up… Adapt, yes. Learn, yes! But don’t loose your childlike nature, as it’s the very thing that will help you grow!

IN A NUTSHELL… GIVE A FEW LESS FUCKS!

Lonely.

It’s officially been a few days of lonesome and I can already tell you these three things…

The pussy is left to run rampant with zero expectation of any man needing to make his way down there anytime soon,

the washing pile is exploding out the basket as I have no ambition of leaving the house in anything other than baggy jeans and a rotation of my favourite tees

AND my fridge is packed to the brim of leftover takeaways with only spoonfuls taken out of each meal… I’m talking pizza box on top of thai on top of pizza box.

I think it’s officially safe to say I’ve hit the lowest of lows.

Yet, I have faith! Liiiiiiiiike 3% out of 100 but hey that’s still something and fuck me I am CLINGING TO IT!

Some days are good, others are bad, but so called life, you’ll always feel better in the end.

As I’m forever told

“chin up buttercup, you’re so loved”

The Money Man .

Our culture teaches us about shame - It dictates what is acceptable and what is not.

Shame comes from outside of us

From the messages and expectations of our culture.

What does come from inside of us is a very large human need to belong, to relate…

We weren’t born craving better bodies. We weren’t born afraid to tell our stories. We weren’t born with a fear of getting too old to be vulnerable. We weren’t born with a shopping catalog in one hand and heart-breaking debt in they other. No. Not even in the slightest.

We were born with an innate ability to grow, explore, expand and soon enough, die.

What happens in the middle seems to be the part everyone needs to control.

Our relationship with money is built off of our placement within the societal hierarchical system - Therefore it is predominately fed by our psychological behaviour.

We allow money to control our worth, our values, our boundaries, everything.

It is often the hold back on freedom, the weight on most decisions and the demon in our back pocket. We allow it to tell us what we can and can’t do for most of our life, never once stepping back and asking,

well… why?

Everyday, we have monumental companies tugging at our insecurities telling us what we ‘need’ so we can be accepted. Our influences are tied to contracts forcing them to ‘inspire’ us with material goods. We have the constructs of our environments putting us into a box of what is seen as acceptable for the premise we live in. People say it’s just due to social media, yet it’s not, not even in the slightest.

Money has always been a problem

It has built the rooms we feel trapped in from the moment it was understood by humans how to use. The fucking sad part is how much we allow it to dictate our worth and value on this planet.

C.R.E.A.M.

To be continued…

It just, is.

We spend so much time worrying and scheming about the next piece of our puzzle.

But why?

As time passes, we quickly realise time heals. When we just let go a little, everything always falls into place, as it’s supposed to.

So... let go.

So... let go.

Whatever is meant for you will truly, honestly (I knowww cliche shit talk) WILL come to you. If something isn’t working, it’s simply because it IS. NOT. WORKING!

Learn how to give yourself the courage to let go, let be and simply exist.

Have the confidence in yourself to know what you’re doing and what you’re providing is enough.

If for any reason you feel in your bones you can do better or be doing more, then do that too!

Whatever it is, acknowledge your strengths, your downfalls and ride with the wind into external bliss.

It doesn’t have to be so complicated

It just is, because life isn’t happening to you but for you.

Notes To Self

Now that I sit here as the twenty six year young Tess, the girl my younger self envisioned, the age I imagined to be thriving, what have I learnt?

Who am I, really, in this moment and time?

Who am I, really, in this moment and time?

Reality settling in, hold tight folks.

Life more often then not doesn’t play out as we expect it to, therefore as stupid it may sound turning twenty six truly rocked me. You see, I’ve always been one of those frustrating people who have their life very acutely planned out. There has NEVER been a point in my life where I’ve wondered who I am, where I’m trying to get to and what I have to offer to the world, confidence through the goddamn roof as some might’ve said. Yet I simply saw it as very fine tuned and well practised manifestation, optimism and of coarse… naivety. Now here I sit, having learnt a few things and seen more than my poor mother would hate to hear and you know what, I’m CONFUSED!

Yes, I admit it, I’m sitting here simply baffled at how incredibly contrasting my twenty sixth lap is looking. I compare it to my vision, to my hopes and dreams and it rocks me like a boat in a storm to realise my entire life has capsized and I need to dive real fucking deep to find the treasure I left behind, move forward and figure out what it is this universe TRULY has in store for me! So, 2023 is going to be full of many things, as excited I am i’d be a fool to try prove i’m not equally petrified to the point where I legitimately wet the bed the other night and had to change my sheets at 3:53am… yes, we’ve truly hit that point.

Whilst most of the fundamental moving blocks that make up my life thus far are wriggling around under my feet, I have to find a strategic way to keep walking without anything concrete to stabilise me. How? Well… letting go and controlling the only thing I can, which is my attitude.

All I can control right now is my attitude.

This means being 100% adaptable for whatever life throws at me and listening… yes, listening. When you slow down, you give yourself the brain capacity to listen more and talk less, from that you learn. Without learning you will not grow, obviously that’s not fucking rocket science is it? With a couple of good motto’s and an open mind, I can tackle my instability and allow this year to unfold how it’s due to, however the universe sees me blossoming, as contrasting that may be from how I envisioned it. If I can do this, if I can let go enough to receive, I will reach a height of internal success that’s greater than any dream I once wished upon…

“Not a soul in the world can take from you what’s meant for you, so relax and receive.”

More trust, less control

More action, less talk

More discipline, less self criticism

More listening, less noise

The Next Chapter

“ You don’t need anyone to take that step. You’re already there, you can do it, alone! “

Momentarily filled with fear, like air in a balloon waiting to pop… Here I stand amidst one of my greatest lessons of all.

I CAN DO IT ALONE!

We read this, we see it, we tell ourselves it’s compute, yet here we all sit petrified to take that little leap of faith. Why? 

Fear.

So what is the next chapter?

It’s being bold enough to take that step into the atmosphere you’ve always desired, juicing out a ridiculously large amount of courage. More often than not it’s the path they all told you not to take, the route with a broken bridge, the idea that you never thought would become a reality. Yet these turning points are more often than not the light at the end of the tunnel, the loophole into the realm your younger self dreamt upon. And the best part is realising no one can get there for you, only YOU can make your next chapter as exciting and experimental as possible. You’re the one in control, you’re driving the car and deciding which road to take next… YOU design it all.

Yes, things will happen out of your control and you’ll have to adapt and step up, yet you still decide how the picture looks and how you get there.

It’s all up to you.

Simple Reminders

I was about to start this sentence with the word ‘goals’ and instantly had to stop myself, because fuck goals, they aren’t “I have a goal lets get it done”, they are and always should be “I will start here”.

So where am I starting?

It’s 7:05pm on a Monday evening. I’m officially calling myself a true adult as I find myself sitting at one of my local wine bars, alone, writing. Yeap, that’s me! A true fucking adult embracing all forms of adulting even on a Monday after work. You see, going to the wine bar alone is certainly not foreign ground to me, it’s surprisingly something I do all the time, (When I say “all the time” I’m referring to strictly the last 5 months of my adolescence, still counts right?) Call me an alcoholic but I was raised with a Spanish mother who said she would die without her ‘tipple of red wine’, the same way she word for word would announce “Darling Tessa I cannot physically open my bloody eyeballs without my first sip of coffee, do NOT interrupt me right now, only POST COFFEE!” Yes, it sounds scarily familiar I know… I am my mothers daughter what can I say!

Back to the

goal.

I will

I’ve promised myself that kicking off this year with a nice sense of productivity, would mean applying myself to achieve at least one task towards one of my passions each and everyday. Now this seems fundamentally challenging right? But no, it’s actually rather fucking simple.

Do what you WANT to do before doing what you don’t. Yeap, that easy.

Now I know what you’re thinking ‘I WANT to sit in bed and eat pizza NOT go for the 5km run I said I’d do because’ i’m trying to make my passion running… You see what i did there? Yea, thats a mother fucking goal, which is a far cry away from what I’d call a passion.

So what exactly are we classifying as a passion here?

I’m talking about the real electric stuff!

The juice that makes your tongue pop!

The colours that make your eyes smile!

The seeds you planted that you always forget to fucking water!

THAT STUFF!

Imagine if you applied one short moment of time, each and everyday to pick up your laptop and start to write over mindlessly watching a show. If you opened the cook book staring at you in the kitchen instead of ordering takeaways. The list is endless…

That’s the simplicity, right there, in that moment!

You find yourself doing what you actually want to be doing, happily as hours escape you and bam, you’ve made progress on a passion, that builds the blocks of who you are.

Yeap, I know.. thank me later.

From the day a little girl was told to grow up, for that she did. Constitution one, first hour in office, The mind is numb.

“It was such a foreign experience to me that my first question was quite literally ‘how do I use the mouse’. After so long of resisting the reality of adulting, here I sat, in the very seat I once promised myself I would never. dare. sit.”

As I took to my desk, I could feel sweat beads gathering across my body. Mainly from the frantic rush to make it through the door before 8am, after an hour too long rolling around in bed resisting the day I had ahead… Yet also to my dismay from the anxiety and nerves I unsuccessfully attempted to shrink.

Luckily, I managed to collect myself after the first hour and find comfort in staying as silent as a mouse, hoping it would lead to their lack of context for personal judgement. Yet to conclude if that was a success, as it was such a foreign experience to me that my first question was quite literally “how do I use the mouse”…

Powering through my introduction tasks, painfully navigating my way through the company apps like a fish out of water, I was left with a spare hour before the day came to rest. Multitasking my acting skills of being interested in office chat, I pondered on why this unknown ache weighed down my vocabulary… In the realisation that after so long of resisting adulting, here I sat, in the very seat I once promised myself I would never. dare. sit. That the ache so numbing making me loose my words, was due to the sheer realisation that on this day I had broken my childhood promise, on this day I had accepted and entered the corporate hierarchy, the 9-5 doom, the reality my parents forever told me I would never escape. 

To be continued.