Bittersweet.
Okay, so… we have a little catching up to do.
Between a handful of unexpected side quests, a healthy dose of procrastination and my inner analyst quietly hijacking the driver's seat for a while (literally), it's fair to say this particular blog post has slipped well down the priority list.
A lot has happened… yet somehow, nothing has happened at all? Yea I know, it makes absolutely no sense.
Thing One.
This will be the last blog post you'll read on this website.
A little wild, yet equally awesome.
The support this blog has received over the years has never stopped to amaze me. Some of you have been reading for more than five years, while others have only stumbled across this little corner of the internet recently. Either way, you've all played a part in keeping this silly little blog alive for far longer than I ever expected.
For that, thank you.
More than anything, I'm grateful to those of you who've reached out so openly and vulnerably over the years. I'd always hoped my words might make someone feel a little less alone, but I don't think I truly understood the real impact they were having until last year. The encouragement you've all given me has quietly become one of the biggest reasons I've had the confidence to keep writing, slowly progressing my book, and to finally back myself in what's coming next. I honestly can't thank you enough.
And also I’d selfishly like to add… I can actually see the analytics. So for all those who have not previously been aware, this website knows a lot more than you might realise. Every visit, every return, every late-night deep dive through old posts leaves a little footprint that I can see, right down to your exact location and IP address. Which also means… yes… to those of you who've consistently checked in for reasons not so genuine or kind… I see you too.
Thankfully, you've always been heavily outnumbered by the people who have shown up with kindness, encouragement and genuine interest. Those are the people this blog was always written for, and those are the people I'm grateful for tonight.
Which leads me to:
Thing Number Two
I've been quietly building a new website.
Or more accurately… a new foundation.
Although it sounds exciting, the reality has been anything but glamorous. In between work, travel and my everyday life, I've been stealing whatever spare moments I could find to slowly build something that feels aligned with the direction my life is heading.
Interestingly enough, the biggest challenge hasn't been adding more, it's actually been removing things… Every version looked good on paper and every idea ticked yet another box, but the more I built the more I realised clarity doesn't come from adding! It comes from stripping everything back until only the bare essentials remain.
That lesson has applied to far more than just the website, and it's made me rethink how I measure my own progress.
For years I've had this habit of brushing off milestones almost as quickly as they happen, as though they're simply expected and not worth celebrating. But lately I've realised those moments are the very things that become the foundations of everything that comes next. They're the education, experience and evidence! And whether I acknowledge them or not, they're slowly becoming the framework I'll build my future upon.
So yes… it's been a season… A really good one.A really stretching one. And one I'm quietly proud of.
As the website has gradually taken shape, I've realised the real work wasn't designing something new, yet it was having the courage to simplify it. I started with an idea that tried to do everything then landed on something that does three things really well.
Clear. Intentional. Effective.
Much like building a business, the hardest part is often clearing the road before you can start driving down it. As frustrating as that process has been, I can finally see where this is all heading. This website isn't just another project, it's the platform I'll be building from over the next few years… Which is equal parts exciting and slightly terrifying. One of my business mentors said something that's stuck with me throughout this process:
"Build something that doesn't limit where you'll be four years from now."
That one sentence quietly changed everything, as it forced me to stop thinking about who I am today and start building for the person I'm becoming.
So, despite all the excitement, I'm intentionally keeping this launch fairly quiet. No huge announcement. No dramatic countdown. Just a gentle release that gives me room to find my feet, make the mistakes and learn quickly to grow naturally. And honestly... I quite like that. There's something special about building in silence, especially when the vision you've carried around in your head for so long is finally beginning to look real.
Which brings me to:
Thing Number Three!
If you’ve read this far then I’ll come kiss your face!
By the end of September, I'll officially be launching my coaching business.
Now, before anyone asks what "officially" means... No, I haven't suddenly discovered the secret to life! It simply means I've reached the point where the foundations are finally catching up with the work itself.
Over the past year I've quietly been taking on coaching clients here and there. It started as the occasional conversation, then the odd referral, then another, and somewhere over the last four months it snowballed into something I genuinely wasn't expecting and I’ll admit, word of mouth has done almost all of the heavy lifting. Which, I've been told, is one of the nicest problems you can have.
The less glamorous side of that story however, looked something like squeezing sessions into late evenings, pulling hours out of thin air and operating with what can only be described as a very questionable invoicing system! What started as, "Yeah, I'd be happy to chat." Quickly became, "I think I can squeeze you in at 10:15 on Friday night..." It was around then I realised perhaps it was time to get my act together, and while the growth surprised me, the direction never did.
For almost a decade I've said that one day I wanted to become a life coach. I still remember a conversation back in 2019 when my ex-partner had taken me to Bali, and one evening we were lying in bed talking about life when he asked,
"What's the one thing you really want to do?"
Without thinking, I answered,
"Life coaching."
No hesitation. He looked at me completely puzzled and started asking what that even meant, how it differed from counselling or therapy, and why I was so interested in it. Looking back now, I must’ve seemed a little crazy as at the time I was already running a business, painting murals, doing bits of freelance graphic design, event photography and somehow collecting hobbies faster than most people collect fucking houseplants! And better yet, getting paid for them!
Apparently there was still another chapter he hadn't uncovered. In hindsight, though, every one of those experiences was teaching me something. Some taught resilience, others communication, leadership… Or even exactly what not to do. Individually they didn't seem connected yet now they make perfect sense.
It's easy to look backwards and draw the line that forwards never reveals.
That's why this next chapter doesn't actually feel like starting from scratch, yet more like arriving somewhere I've been slowly walking towards for years. I'm still learning and I imagine I always will be, in fact I actually hope to always be learning! But for the first time, everything feels aligned enough that pressing "go" no longer feels reckless… It simply feels... right?
People often ask me what makes my coaching different, and the truth is, I don't think I'm the right person to answer that.
I'd rather you watch it unfold, because this stage… Building something from an idea that's lived quietly in your mind for years into something tangible… is exactly what I’ll teach you how to do. How to understand the psychology behind it, how ideas become action, identity shapes behaviour, and how clarity changes everything.
Long before we talk about goals, careers or businesses, there's a much more important questions sitting underneath all of it:
Who are you?
And perhaps even harder...
What do you actually want?
Those two questions sound deceptively simple, yet during my short experience coaching, they're often the hardest ones to answer.
Lastly:
Thing Number Four
I've got this rather ambitious "before 30" list.
It's almost laughable if I’m honest. It's one of those "before I die" style lists that probably puts far too much pressure on an arbitrary deadline. But for me, it isn't really about the deadline.
It all started with one sentence I wrote to myself back in January.
"I've decided I don't want to be a pussy anymore."
Hahaha.
Elegant? No.
Effective? Absolutely.
Every year on my birthday I write a letter to my future self, tuck a little cash inside as a gift, and seal it away until the following year. As I wrote to "30 year old Tess"... ew... that sentence found its way onto the page, and I haven't forgotten it since.
The first half of this year has been all about building the foundations. Things like: Building a six-figure year, treating my own work with the same discipline I give everyone else's, growing my financial investments, closing old mental doors, being the best daughter, sister, aunty and friend I know how to be. Building this new website, continuing my book, creating better systems in both my business, my routines and probably most importantly, in my own mind. Oh... and naturally becoming a Pilates princess.
It's been what my Mother would call a real "head down, bum up" season. And while I've genuinely loved watching those pieces slowly come together, I'll also admit that it's been... serious? Which is funny, because despite what a lot of people assume about me, I'm actually not that serious of a person.
I'm direct, yes. Honest, yes. Not afraid of difficult conversations… yes.
But underneath all of that, I'm incredibly light-hearted, creative and little quirky ball of fluff! I laugh at myself far more than I laugh at anyone else, I love ridiculous ideas, unexpected adventures and conversations that wander completely off course and for whatever reason, people often meet the determined version of me before they meet the playful one.
I've learnt to make peace with that, although I'll admit that every now and then I accidentally start believing it too… Which is exactly why this list matters! Not because I need to tick boxes before turning 30, because somewhere along the way, life asked me to grow up much faster than I should have had to. I accepted responsibility arriving early, pressure and quickly adapted to survival mode becoming normal. I stepped up because I had to.
And no this is not a sob story, far from actually. But all that had to come at they expense of something.
This list is my way of reclaiming that.
It's less about achievement and far more about permission. Permission to try things simply because they look fun!!! To embarrass myself, be a beginner again, to learn, play and chase curiosity without needing it to become productive.
For years I'd quietly pushed so many adventures aside. Not because I didn't want them... But because I convinced myself there would be a better time ‘later’. Goddamn fucking later, ugh! Then eventually without even noticing, I became afraid of them.
Afraid of looking silly, of failing or even of just starting. That's where that ridiculous sentence came from.
"I don't want to be a pussy anymore."
It wasn't really about courage, yet about freedom. Because the truth is, I don't want fear making decisions on my behalf anymore! Thirty feels like a milestone, let’s be honest here… And not because I think life suddenly changes overnight or anything crazy, but because I want to arrive there already living the life I've been imagining and not waiting for fucking permission to start.
These aren't meant to become nice little stories I tell at dinner parties! They're meant to reshape the way I live and become the hobbies I'll keep, maybe even the newfound confidence I'll carry, friendships I'll deepen and hopefully they adventures I'll continue saying yes to. They're the beginning of the lifestyle I've wanted for years.
So... To Conclude This Finale:
Here's to building businesses, writing books, learning new skills, falling off surfboards or skateboards again, maybe getting lost in some buzzy country, making mistakes and goddamn backing myself anyway.
And mainly,
remembering that success means very little if somewhere along the way you forget how to have fun.
Thanks for reading this little blog for all these years.
Truly.
It has been one of the greatest unexpected gifts of my twenties.
And now...
I think it's time for the next chapter…
See you over there?
Love Tess xxx
Gas off.
Slow the fuck down.
You’ll reach your destination regardless of how damn fast you drive!
So you might aswell take in the view baby.
Maybe
Just maybe… as I block out all this noise from the city below me. As I silence the growing hum within my mind. As I seperate myself from the constant movement of our world.
As I light this candle admiring it’s reflection on the window pane. As the fairy lights dance along the gentle breeze blowing in. As the sun sets over the ocean closing out yet another day.
As I sit here alone, warm, comfortable and safe. Sipping on my hot lemon verbena, listening to Fleetwood Mac and watching this world go by around me.
A whisper of hope. A very quiet knowing. A calm clarity that can only be heard when I allow all my worry to wash over me and away from my sphere.
This peace, this feeling, this safety, this surrender.
I gasp for air!
I can dance again. I can sing to the top of my lungs. I can run along these dreams I prosper!
My body fills up with love like a ballon about to pop!
One big exhale, watching light leave my lungs and add to the very colours of this sunset.
Everything will be okay,
I allow myself to breathe again,
I allow myself to trust in love once more…
xxx
Byron.
Draft from August 30th 2025.
03. 03. 25 - The date I stepped into the fever dream of Byron Bay.
Now I’m pretty good with my words, yet here I sit alone at the airport, completely speechless at they emotions I’m feeling… When I decided to randomly pivot my plans toward the Byron Shire in February, I had zero expectation. In fact, I’d done near to no research on the place. I had no clue it held such a stigma within the world and certainly hadn’t thought longer than a minute over what I wanted to receive from the place. My only clarity was to leave the comfortability of where I was, find an easy job to distract myself from the pivotal decisions that sat ahead of me, and to spend some much needed time working on my inner compass.
So, it’s easy to say that Byron has swept me off my feet and into a parallel universe I never knew existed! I can admit, I’m incredibly baffled at my ability to leave, and it’d be accurate to propose how terrified I am right now. To my fucking core, literally shaking. I’m talking power drumming throughout my body, rattling me in every direction, offering a similar experience to the last time I tried speed at 18 years old… Not fun, yet equally invigorating?
Leaving is a monumental decision for a multitude of reasons.
Firstly, I’m chasing my pipeline dream. Something I’ve been building behind the scenes for a fucking long time and I’m finally stepping up to who I need to be, to bring this dream into the physical realm. I unfortunately couldn’t bring it to life in Byron, as it’s needed more from the world to reach excellence. I’ll be honest, this dream is my biggest one yet. It’s huge. It’s far greater than just the book, it’s my next big career move, business endeavour, and will ultimately change the trajectory of my life. I’ve estimated the next four years of consistent effort will be compromised for the journey of this business.
Secondly, for those who are not yet aware, I’m writing my first book. This book has been in the pipeline for a few years but has only got the justice it deserves within my priority list in the last year and a half. The weeks after I walked from my business, sitting on the end of my bed in my partner and I’s new house, all I wanted was to ‘arrive’, let go, land in this new life we’d built. Yet my mind was still so busy and weighed down with shame and guilt. He sat with me as I cried and said, “I think it could be time you finally start your book babe”. A gentle reminder that my success was an endless supply, and did not solely rely on the girl who built and sold her first business. He knew me better than any other and placed a seed of creativity, a new challenge so to speak, knowing that all I needed was something new to pour my energy into. I already had the writing there from years of blogging, we’d already researched the idea together multiple times… All I had to do was formulate the context and string all the pieces together in order to say
“okay, this is what i’m doing now’.
It’s a rather large endeavour, demanding copious amounts of my time and energy. It became clear to me very early on in my arrival to Byron, that it was unfortunately not the place for me to get within the depths of my writing. Not only is Byron a coastal town, forcing me to the beach or in the ocean everyday, yet it’s a place where we relax, we chill, we enjoy life’s pleasures. Byron is full of dreamers, yet as far as it goes for hustling… Yea, not really the place to thrive when it comes to meeting deadlines and producing some of your life’s best work. I found myself constantly getting distracted and unable to channel the hustle. The truth in how much our environment moulds our realities… As much as I love Byron and I know it’s where I now feel most at home/will return to, for now, I need big cities, constant muse, un-comfortability and inspiration. I need loud people, big colours and overwhelming vibrations. So here I am, on route to the greatest muse of all - New York fucking city baby! A place I’ve dreamt of living since I was 16 years old. I never would’ve guessed I’d be here writing my first book and building my next business on route to the big apple, oh the joy of life!
Thirdly, as mentioned earlier, I’m chasing constant un-comfortability. Now this is a big topic! If Ive learnt anything in my short time on our planet -
Our greatest growth stems directly from reaching outside of our comfort zone.
Resistance fosters growth, the same way it can build muscles for a body builder, it translates equally within our mind. So that being said, I need to push myself out of the realm I’m most comfortable and be in a place of constant resistance, on the edge of un-comfortability each and everyday. Now I know many people might think ‘their best work comes from routine, foundation and safety’. Yes, this is also true, yet muse comes from inspiration, and inspiration does not spark from within the four walls we’ve stared at our whole existence. It comes from looking beyond, being in a place where your mind is challenged and you have to push past the patterns you’ve previously relied on.
Re-building both the patterns and auto pilot processing, to allow space for your brain to see a new way for itself.
And in my case, writing about psychology and the human condition… they adjacency here is unmatched! New York is not a place that pushes me so far out that I’m sleeping on the dirt floor and fighting for my survival. It’s a place where many walks of life co-exist, a place that calls upon your confidence and where many opposing narratives co-create together. For this, a rather stark and uncomfortable place. A place where you’d better damn know who you are what you are working towards, because you might get stomped on if not…
That is precisely what I need. People who say no, people who don’t just dream like in Byron, they actually build. People who will look at my work and compare it to thousands of others just like me. And that’s a rather unnerving place to be, but exactly why I need to be there. It’s time to test this dream and see if it has the legs to prosper! I could stay in Byron and continue in my happy, comfortable beachside life and allow the praise for trying to be enough, but that’s not actually getting me anywhere is it?
So here I go! Testing the dream, in the hope to finally build it. No more praise for the past stories, past success and ideas I float about. Time to really hear the hard shit, have people lump me into the group and give me a damn hard talking to. For that is where I can continue my growth, the place I need to be to really succeed in this crazy pipeline dream of mine.
And as it goes for Byron, well, I’ll see you on the flip side I guess! The place that reminded me I still had a light, I just needed to find the switch. And for that, I hope to always return. Yet if I don’t, I’m sure it’s because I’m finally walking my talk, and thank god for that.
Everyone has a dream. It just comes down to how bad you want it.
It’s an incredibly fulfilling place to arrive,
when your individual hobbies or purpose,
become more important to you than social acceptance.
The Queue.
In a sky of colour, what do you see?
For there is light shining through,
illuminated only by the contrast of dark.
The shadows casting themselves upon the cushioning of light.
Every tale co-creates with both. The ongoing entanglement of good and bad.
Although the weight of it all can be vast.
As one believes true, it is not so in comparison to another.
If only I could let you in.
If only, for it could be so good.
Your very existence filling my dreams with touch and romance,
like a feather softening stone.
A space of light, where it does not rain, where the sun will always shine.
And yet, no matter how perfect, this is not my world.
Your life wrapped up in a silk ribbon.
Forever untouched, attempting to heal one made of steel.
For this, I will never soften. For this, I will always feel untethered.
I do not see it as bad. Nor sad. Nor a mountain to conquer.
As various weights all exist within the same four walls, all for a purpose, all with good intent.
Yet this backpack I carry, the weight,
it’s heavier than most.
Maybe even a burden for some…
And I only seem to take it off my back in the company of one.
There is one.
Who can see this weight.
Who has carried the same.
Who will never look at me with pity or shame.
One, who no matter the skies colour, will always admire me.
One, who no matter the stone or steel, will always break through.
One, who holds no feather, who has no silk ribbon,
who is also built on rock as hard as the very earth we stand upon.
If only I could dream a new path.
If only you could see me.
Yet it will always be this way, as you see what you desire to see.
To stand next to me, not above, not below.
If only, to be equal.
If only, you continue to say…
It is not your fault. I do not wish you to change. I do not desire you to bend.
Oh the mastery of you, the brilliance, they appeal.
I could watch you all day.
Yet this is a choice. My choice.
And one I do not take lightly.
No hope, you ponder?
Well, choices can change,
as growth becomes possible the moment I stop mistaking familiarity as truth…
So perhaps, time is our friend.
Yet for now, this queue continues to grow the longer I remain content alone.
For the one who needs reminding,
Oh hey,
Did you forget?
You are enough.
Today. Tomorrow. Each and everyday.
As you are.
So believe in yourself.
Believe in your strength.
Believe in your story.
Believe in your wisdom.
Believe in your light.
Believe in the magic of you.
And if you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself,
then do it for me.
For I see you.
I hear you.
I know you are enough. Today. Tomorrow.
Each and everyday.
And I believe in you.
I believe in your light.
I believe in your story.
I believe in your magic.
So do not fear, for you are loved.
Today. Tomorrow.
Each and everyday you live.
Walking Contradiction
I’m unsure how to begin this post, because well… It sounds complicated, when it’s actually very simple.
It can often sound like I’m in a constant fight with myself on here. Potentially even sounding like a walking contradiction… I understand why, yet it’s very important I outline the fact that writers are storytellers and essentially, our entire job is to make it a memorable or impactful one.
To make you feel something.
This being said, not all that I write is written with accuracy. Much is dramatised for impact, humour or your entertainment. I often talk about people in my life as characters, or love as doves soaring through the sky or inner frustration as a complete renewal. This is only an interpretation of how I feel and think, a story.
I take real life scenarios and build them into stories you want to read, interjected with very specific psychological learnings. Writing you can both connect with and learn something from.
So when you all believe I’m potentially falling apart or having a meltdown, it’s often just an average day that I’ve articulated into a humorous lesson of some sort.
Why is this relevant you ask?
Well, the reality of my life right now is actually a blessing. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I don’t feel the need to rush anything, I don’t need to chase because all I need is directly in front of me, and all I desire for my future is already on the path I’m walking.
Y
es, I’ll admit, the future element holds a lot of inner trust because we can never know with full accuracy can we? Yet on a whole, I know the work being done now is precisely what it needs to be in order to foster the future I desire, so my trust is valid.
There are a few various elements which remain completely out of my control because they involve other people, but even then, I’m not concerned in the slightest as it’s simply not my priority right now. When it becomes a priority, a need of sorts, then I’ll re-invest my energy where necessary.
Not all day’s are perfect of course… It’s apparent that I’m a very impatient person with most things, and some elements of what I’m building at the moment have caused momentary frustration. The flames don’t spread too far though as my oxygen chooses to redirect itback toward purposeful action and not empty emotions. My emotional bounce-back is a pretty speedy turnaround these days! It takes something pretty big to knock me off my feet, which is good as I’ve spent years wasting energy on emotional cycles that don’t serve me.
So, to clarify, I’m actually the most grounded, clear and focused I think I’ve ever been. A contradiction to what you may believe.
I know what I’m channelling and I’m happy to make temporary compromises to get myself there, and it’s not such a fight anymore. Everything is aligned, and it feels like my own energy is finally aligned with it.
I don’t think I’ve ever reached that point before?
And therefore, the work I’m putting in right now is actually working! It might be slow, but the tree continues to grow, layer upon layer, branch by branch, taller than ever before.
I hold little clarity over why I felt the need to express this in the first place though. That remains a mystery…
There is more of you reading this than ever before, yes, I can see you. So maybe I’m becoming more aware of how all you lovely readers actually perceive me. That’s not a bad thing either.
So thank you, I guess, for all being here and reading these words I type away at midnight. And I hope you enjoyed the reality of my world for a change.
Sweet dreams xxx
Pressure.
It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me just how results driven I am. And you’d presume this is a good thing, right? But no, it’s not.
I built a business young.
I’ve survived high-pressure situations.
And therefore, I’ve spent the most pivotal years of my adolescence attaching meaning, safety, identity and self-worth to outcomes. Problem being, many of these outcomes are often completely out of my control…
Revenue.
Growth.
Productivity.
Forward movement.
Achievement.
External proof.
So naturally, my nervous system adapted to:
‘If I’m producing results, I’m valuable. If I’m progressing, I’m worthy.’
Not good.
Not good at all.
It’s a mindset that has the ability to foster extraordinary results, yes, but its downfall is a weight I’ve carried around on my back like a lifetime of regret I’ll drag to my fucking grave.
I can’t rest without feeling guilty. Slow and steady feels like failure. And worst of all, my mood is heavily dictated by metrics, money, productivity, validation and tangible results.
I’ve managed to gain control over this cycle using meditation. Sometimes exercise helps too, but honestly, the only way I’ve truly tapped out of this mental game I play with myself is by closing my eyes, placing a hand on my heart and having a fucking good talking-to with my spirit. Reminding myself of all the reasons I hold value in this world…
It’s harder than I’d like it to be though, ya know? Listing fucking traits like they’re a grocery list.
Okay Tess, so you are…
Friendly.
Open minded.
Kind.
Funny.
Ummmm… a good friend, sister and aunty..???
I mean come the fuck on.
Why is that so hard?
I’m like a child getting told she did well in her first maths test.
I feel belittled… but by myself!
And this is exactly my problem.
I’m so good at fishing out compliments for those around me, never short of praise, love and light. Yet when it comes to myself, I find it extremely difficult to look in the mirror and say:
‘You are enough, Tessa. Right here, right now, as you are.’
I will admit the self-love ebbs and flows. Yet again, I’ve begun to notice that I love myself the most when I feel like I’m succeeding. And I feel like I’m succeeding when my physical world is reaping the benefits of my hard labour.
I’m like a fisherman who only praises himself on a good day’s catch… which happens what, once a week if he’s lucky?
This is not a cycle with legs to grow. It’s not systematic, nor built for longevity. This is sprinting at its finest. Bursts of momentum followed by huge lows as I crash and burn before regaining my strength and readying myself for the next hundred metres.
Honestly, maybe I’m crazy?
But no, don’t worry, I asked my therapist and she confirmed … somehow I’m not.
We simply live in a world that relies on external validation and money to hand out medals of success. And whether I like it or not, some days my mind still falls into society’s trap and throws shade at me like a loser standing at the finish line.
Such as human existence though, right?
We spend so much time convincing ourselves what is worth living for, what is worth waking up for, what makes us purposeful… that when time is ticking and results are not forming, we naturally look in the mirror and think:
‘Well, who the fuck are you then?’
And right now in my life, everything feels results driven.
I’m trying to alter the course of my existence and, as mentioned in previous posts, make up for a lot of lost time. I’m essentially attempting to achieve what most people do in five or six years, within one.
Impossible?
Maybe.
But honestly, with a good plan, it’s actually feasible.
Yet at what compromise…
At some point, I’ll have to take my foot off the gas and accept that the progress I’m making right now is seemingly invisible. That the results may not become tangible for another few years. That the decisions I’m making now depend entirely on a gamble placed on my future self.
Day by day, Tessa.
Not mountain by mountain.
Because the only person looking down on you… is yourself, motherfucker.”
I’m playing a wild game with myself, all day, everyday. So ya know what? I’m going to go play Michael Jackson on full blast, open another beer and dance until my heart feels like it’s falling out of my chest.
Because this is it, isn’t it?
We all just want to feel alive,
And results feel like life happening directly in front of us.
So keep moving your chess pieces, it’s only a game against yourself.
Tata in December
“One little piggy went to the beach.
The next little piggy danced in the rain.
The middle piggy played guitar.
The next best piggy cooked a roast.
The eldest piggy jumped upon his sail boat.
Piggy who went to the beach did starfish’s in the sand.
Piggy who danced in the rain felt free.
Middle piggy started to sing.
Next piggy longed to share his roast.
Eldest piggy got lost at sea without his map….”
As I hesitate on my next sentence holding your dirty toes in my hands, you giggle at me as tears form in the corner of your eyes.
Semantics schnucki, I know where home is.
How to follow your heart.
There was a version of myself that existed before the noise.
Before expectations, before timelines, before I learned how to be liked, accepted, successful and approved of.
A version of myself that didn’t question what felt right, as she moved instinctively, chose freely and dreamed without negotiation. And then, slowly, she got quieter.
Not because she disappeared, but because she was spoken over by society telling her what matters, responsibility telling her what’s realistic and ego telling her what looks good.
So she adapted.
She learnt how to make decisions that made sense on paper. She became someone who could function in the world. But somewhere along the way, she stopped asking the only question that ever really mattered:
What does she actually want?
Not what’s smart.
Not what’s impressive.
Not what keeps everything stable and predictable.
What feels true.
It has forced me to think about what it really means to grow older, especially those early formative years that quietly shape everything that follows, and I’ve noticed something rather fascinating…
In the moments where I feel the most lost, when life feels unclear, heavy, or slightly broken, I don’t find clarity by pushing forward, I find it by going back. Back to my childhood, back to the core of who I was before the world had something to say about it.
And every time I return there, something shifts.
Our childhood is the most honest version of who we are. It’s where our personality begins, our boundaries are formed and our sense of freedom is first experienced. But somewhere along the way, we stop valuing that version of ourselves. Instead we remember the challenges, awkward phases and the things that hurt. But we forget the essence.
When I look back, I don’t just remember her,
I can feel her.
The little girl running barefoot along the beach, flipping on the trampoline without fear, dancing in open fields like no one was watching and climbing pōhutukawa trees chasing her siblings to the top.
She was bold.
Fierce.
Stubborn.
Creative.
She cared about the experience, not the outcome. She woke up inspired, not pressured. She was free.
But as time passed she was forced to grow up, learn the rules and suddenly became aware of how she was perceived. Through this, she started choosing what made sense, what looks good and what fits. Not what feels right.
It’s subtle at first, but over time it becomes our reality. We trade instinct for approval, curiosity for security and freedom for responsibility. And the strangest part? We want it. As teenagers, we rush to grow up! Only to spend our late twenties trying to find our way back. It’s like we spend years drifting away from ourselves, just to realise we were never meant to leave in the first place. But maybe that’s the point? No one can teach you who you are, you have to experience what you’re not. I suppose that’s why our twenties are messy for a reason.
They’re the only time in our life where we have both freedom and responsibility. The space to make mistakes and the awareness to learn from them. Then, as we move closer to our late twenties, there’s a pull… a quiet, persistent question:
Who am I, really?
By this point, you know what doesn’t work, you know what drains you, you know what matters and suddenly, alignment becomes more important than approval. This is where your younger self becomes the guiding light, because when life gets loud, she is the only voice that’s still honest.
So I ask her:
Is this what you wanted?
And the answer is always clear. Because she didn’t dream based on logic, she dreamed based on truth.
So now, when I look at the woman I’m becoming, I don’t measure her by success or status. I ask something far more important:
Is she still free?
Is she still curious?
Is she still creating, exploring, living?
Is she still her?
Because if she’s not… something needs to change.
Following your heart is not a reckless move, it’s simply the act of remembering.
Remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.
Then having the courage to return to her,
not as the same girl,
but as a woman who finally understands.
And quietly within your heart, you too, will find your truth.
All you have to do is learn how to listen again…
Quiet Light
I’m meant to be flying to Sydney from Coolangatta right now. Instead, I’m on the ferry to Waiheke Island. How life can change at such a rapid rate, never really knowing what’s on our horizon will forever amaze me.
Oh so divine, to be heading back to the island I called home as a child, throughout a time I seek answers.
I’ve been in deep reflection lately, not due to circumstance or even willingness. It’s been a subconscious progression, as if the universe is dropping little nuggets of gold into my mind each and everyday, teaching me how to listen and where to turn next.
Many reflections on the past have been resurfacing, as I notice just how much I’ve changed and how that change inevitably effects the future I’m walking towards. Interestingly enough though, all I once wanted remains the same, as if I’ve gone down this path of a huge rebirth just to land precisely where I’d started. Yet the difference in the woman who now stands here is nothing short of monumental…
I don’t look any different, an outsider would know no better. Yet my core has completely flipped upside down and in the most positive and freeing way known to man. I FEEL different, and those who really deeply know me can see it. The most delicate twinkle in my eyes and the very way in which I stand. The confidence, clarity and purpose I’d been so desperately chasing has finally landed within me. I have my mother fucking sparkle back!
The change this is creating externally is slowly taking it’s form too, but again, in ways only those truly watching can recognise. Decisions are made efficiently. Direction is open to spontaneity yet bound to inner trust and confidence that’s intentionally applied. Little fear holding me back from the journey in front of me.
I can leap off the cliffs, eat all the foods, run across the mountain ranges and still sleep soundly. I can ride the motorbikes myself, sail with friends along the ocean, dance upon the surfboard and laugh at the unknown of what tomorrow may bring. I can tell you who I am, what I want and the very reasons for wanting it. I can direct the strings of my life together with little to no effort, and those which are harder to pull are finally easy to articulate regardless of their restraint and resistance.
Because what belongs, will always land.
I finally feel like ME again, but a new and improved version, an updated model. And god… am I excited about what that means.
Palm Tree Breeze
I do not desire to admit this is it,
I look beyond, always out to sea.
These pavements we walk and these things we talk,
For I see more in this palm tree breeze.
The wind across my face,
The salt crisping my skin,
The rain trickling on in.
So I will keep running,
Far far away,
To a land in which these shells remain.
To a place we root in gods intended way,
The place in which the palm trees sway.
Chaos and Order
As much as you all find me pulling out various parts of my insides and laying them on the table for inspection, to your surprise, maybe… I am actually pretty fucking fun.
I know I know, it sounds like I’m trying to convince you, but I don’t need to. Here’s why:
It’s incredibly easy to look ahead, see the scope in which we desire to become and think “holy fucking shit, I’m so far away, what have I been doing this whole time and why am I not closer?!”
It’s also incredibly easy to look back and think “what the actual fuck was I thinking… that’s so embarrassing, I’m not even sure if that’s still me?!”
These are all too familiar reflections, right?
Yea, it’s human to battle against these complexes within ourself, especially considering our journeys are they opposite of linear. We have no real roadmap, a rather unreliable compass called our heart and no rulebook. Which means we’re forever shooting our arrows into the dark. So why are we so fucking hard on ourselves all the time?
I know it’s not just me either… This is a universal experience. We’re all out here wondering wtf god was up to putting us here, and if we are even remotely close to the purpose we’re constantly chasing.
But it changes, doesn’t it?
Because, well, we change… So how in gods name can we expect it to be a one line answer? It’s impossible.
I have ‘chaos and order’ tattooed on my feet, and for a bloody good reason. One foot in chaos, they other in order - The equilibrium of life. And this is the very thing that constantly reminds me that the harmony is found in the middle ground. If I swing too far toward order, I become a society led robot chasing what I’m told to like a good little girl. I become drained, my muse dulls and depression naturally strikes off the back of boredom. Yet if I lean too far into chaos, my life becomes a constant whirlwind as I attempt to live in the high, never coming down and naturally… falling into escapism, resisting growth and eventually losing myself completely.
We need order to implement and action - We need chaos to inspire and create. Both work perfectly in harmony, but too much of one sets life completely off kilter.
Does this make sense?
So, what does ‘fun’ have to do with this?
Well, my life has recently tipped a little onto the serious side as I step closer toward the more significant layers of my foundation. In many moments I’ve felt myself holding back, muting my personality and actually forgetting the very nature of my being. And fuck man, it’s too easy to forget when we’re on the grind.
Financial leaps need intentional moves - Intentional moves need discipline - Discipline needs recipes
None of that happens overnight either, it’s dedicated energy that I pour into my success each and everyday. It takes conscious moves and demands full input from me. Often, I find myself in this state and pulling away from the fun. Yet this is the balance…a little of this, a little of that. As I look at how far I have to go I only push myself harder, to be more discipline, ignore the distractions and hustle harder. Yet it’s often ineffective.
I need the fun, I need that balance, otherwise I lose sight of why I’m working so goddamn hard in the first place.
And why do I do it all in the first place?
People.
Yep, pretty much! My driving force has always been my community. Near or far, the people who have added to the layers that make up the woman I am today. And every time I lower my head into my palms as the weight of it all falls upon me… I’m reminded of their faces, their journeys and the very feathers they’ve gifted to my own wings. And I keep going, I keep moving the fucking needle. But without those memories, without the fun injected into those unions, the laughter that follows and the bonds that are built off the back of these significant experiences… I find myself lost.
I need the fun and the chaos, as much as I need the discipline and the order.
So once again, I’m sitting here writing as I was reminded of the fun I’ve had, the reasons to keep going and the fun to come. I’m reminded of all the stories I’ve built and all the stories on the horizon. I’m reminded yet again, that I’m exactly where I need to be…
I do not need to be ashamed of my mistakes nor my lessons. I do not need to hide the growth in which I’ve prevailed. I do not need to stop one thing and start another, nor do I need to stress and try to speed up. Because I’ve done exactly as I was meant to, and I will continue to do exactly as I desire to.
And well, that’s it really!
You’re right where you need to be. Look back and admire the fun, the laughter, the hard times and the significant ones. Look ahead knowing more is to come, so much more. It’s up to you to keep building the reality in which you desire, the same way you have with every little detail of your past.
And guess what? I need more fun right now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Tickets booked to Aus have just been purchased, once again, I need a blowout hahahah
SHE. HER. ME.
So here I am, I guess?
Looking in this mirror and honestly, proud.Proud to be me.
Yet how do you see me?
To you I’m her.
To him I’m she.
To them I’m me.
Oh the joy’s of being perceived.
So many details left a mystery,
So many particulars cast a generalisation.
As I am forced to accept the pigeonhole in which you place me.
Nothing more than a pigeon herself, really…
Still, a proud pigeon at that. Possibly even a dove?
I choose.You simply intrude.
And that’s about it really.
What do you think?
Calling Jesus
Amidst the undercurrent of life sit’s a place of such pivotal depth. A place that holds every ounce of muse you could ever need.
It stems from the bones of our innocence, the roots of our past and the branches of our soul.
They tell us we’re dreamers…“When will you wake up, reality has been calling your name!”
Dreamer or not, I’m awake and I’m listening.
It’s a choice I make each and every day to follow the calling within me, to re-ignite this fire in my belly and build from the deepest corners of my mind.
It is the pursuit of creativity.
The chase of constant muse.
The ability to romanticise our everyday existence.
It is the part of ourself that refuses to accept these white walls are it, or this road that leads to nowhere.
So tell me… If I am a dreamer, what does that make you?
Because these dreams you mock release the rhythm in which I move. And that dance slowly builds the fragments of my muse. And this muse becomes the inspiration of my deepest desires. And those desires are the drive to chase this creativity seeping out of me and turn it something real!
So, call me a dreamer!!!
Tell me I’m different,
judge the depth in which I’m confident enough to consider.
Fear the curiosity I hold to stare you in the eyes, to ask you who you really are, to assess the driving force behind your complex…
Because I will always fucking dream.
These dreams keep me going. And as I actively choose to walk this path, you sit back and watch as I build the life you envy. Because that’s what dreaming does,
it allows you to go bigger,
to see yourself in the light in which you believe you’re capable of.
“The dreams are not reality” you say…But you’re wrong, they’re as real as the past we’ve lived and as mouldable as this future we chase.
So watch me, judge me, call me a dreamer. As a dreamer I am! Forever and always expanding the possibilities of what could be.
And would you believe me if I told you that every. single. ‘seemingly insignificant’ dream I’ve mused, has become the very reality I walk?
Forever a dreamer, and I’m damn fucking proud of that.
