MUSE.
As chaos is encapsulating every inch of my sphere, my physical state feels suffocated yet my mental capacity stretches so vast I manage to breach the boundaries and restrictions I thought to be true. Challenging my own my belief system is becoming a rite of passage…
I acknowledge,
So clear like crystal, that within the chaos sits a quiet space I can tap into. When I’m open enough to receiving the art given to me, I can find my path through the wind and get to that finite idea I’ve been attempting to grasp. The one I’ve been craving, considering and challenging…
The idea,
The chaos is my muse,
and the chaos stems from people. Their feelings, ideology and experiences.
Take a ride with me here…
As I’m sat here in Melbourne state library, a place so mystical and beautiful like a scene from Harry Potter, immersing myself into Hogwarts with every page I write. I ponder over this realisation, ‘one foot in chaos, they other in order’… An idea I’ve believed yet never found equilibrium with. It seems I either find myself completely wrapped up in the tornado of chaos, waiting for it to end as I’m being gobbled up by it’s mass and magnitude, completely unable to pull myself out. Or, I’m eventually flying out, hitting the wall so hard that I force myself to go and hide in the safety of my bunker, recouping my energy before the next tornado comes howling through. That’s it, that is the cycle I’m in.
The magic comes from within that tornado, a place so fucking wild, strong willed and fierce. The unfortunate reality is that I lack the ability to simply step in, observe and step back out again before it sweeps me off my feet. Let me preface… this is not the realisation. I’ve known this as pure fact about myself for a long time and for those I see who keep up with this blog, you’d know very well that it’s a topic well discussed, well detangled and re-interpreted.
The realisation: People = Chaos = Muse. The chaos stems from people.
Relationships I build and need to navigate.
People surrounding my sphere and subconsciously holding gravity over my own emotions.
The people I love.
The people I hurt.
The people who love me.
The people who hurt me.
Tension, temptation, greed, entitlement, ego, identity, desire, need, want, failure, challenge, culture…
The human condition.
Now, I’ve been writing about the human condition for about 3 years, this is not anything new for me. My obsession began when I went to start a podcast called After Hours. The discussion of all things human condition with some of New Zealands leading entrepreneurs, to understand where their drive and original ideas stemmed from. The podcast never lifted off the ground due to the challenges I was already facing in my business with the pandemic (terrible timing). Yet from that moment I began conceptualising the human condition. What makes people tick, why people care and or not care, what is it that makes us think a certain way, where did we come from, what’s your story and where is your end. These were all questions I became enticed to answer. I will forever find myself on this quest, as the human condition is a big space that stems from history, revolution, evolution, culture and everything that got us here today. I will be on my death bed still pondering these damn concepts!
For those who do not know:
The human condition can be defined as the characteristics and key events of human life, including birth, learning, emotion, aspiration, reason, morality, conflict, and death. A set of essential experiences that define human existence.
Where it get’s sticky is my dying need to do things unconventionally to get the answers I desire. Things that often hurt and challenge people, which I do in order to understand what I’m currently conceptualising. This is the part that I’ve only just realised. For awhile now I’ve wondered why I create such deep relationships with people. Why some of those relationships seem to fall and how I can simply continue to walk ahead when they other party often cannot. Now I’m not saying this to try toot my own horn! I’m simply untangling a rather unpleasant realisation that I’m leaving people in the dust from my tyres, completely unintentionally! The worst part is that it makes people feel hurt, wondering if I was genuine or true.
Facts: I did care, I still care and I was genuinely, whole heartedly wrapped up and immersed in you and everything that makes ‘up you.’ I asked questions because I really wanted to know your answers. Those questions broke down barriers and layers which allowed you to confide in me. I made you feel safe and secure, offering you a place to come home to with someone who vulnerably offered you love and held a curiosity you craved. But then I leave, because my quest is never ending.
People always ask why I’m in the relationship I’m in (open, for those who do not know). This is why. I want the freedom to explore the human condition, building relationships with people that hold all levels of depth and latitude. The depth more often than not leads to exploration, exploration leads to sex, then sex leads to love. This is a natural course that I’m completely comfortable with and thoroughly enjoy. Yet it makes people feel like a number, thus, I despise.
I’m asked how I manage to be so cold and seperate my emotions, not allowing them to get the better of me (more often than not). The answer is simple:
My emotions for you, do not outweigh my curiosity to know more. But that does not mean I don’t care.
My desire to understand you in it’s entirety, is 150% genuine. Where you sit on my lifeline and what lesson I’m eventually going to untangle from this relationship fascinates me profoundly. The unfortunate reality - I do not need you forever to uncover this information. Meaning, if you choose to leave, if you choose to complicate, if we drift… I will not feel the pressing urge to force anything. I trust that it’s what is meant to be, as you came to me for a lesson I will one day uncover and that right there, amongst all the chaos is the crystal.
You are my muse.
Yet you see, that is the chaos. This is what it looks like inside that tornado. So many open doors, so many emotions to navigate and the hardest part is that I’m more often than not navigating emotions that are not my own. I’m trusted with key details of one’s life, holding that safe space for not just one person, yet multiple, countless, all at once. That weight eventually becomes too heavy to carry and that is when I’m spat out by the tornado and go hide in my bunker. It’s all energy and that energy is the source as it is the fucking drain I’m melting down.
The conclusion,
Take out the emotion. Put it into a graph, turn it into a basic calculation, get the x amount and call it a day. If you stay too long in the emotional frequency of the quest, you cannot conceptualise and therefore have zero outcome. You need to go to the bunker to detangle the emotion to get the answer. The mathematical equation will forever sit within that tornado, amidst the chaos. You have to step in, knowing when to step out before it gets the better of you.
People and the chaos that follows will forever be my muse. In order to become a master of my greatest concepts, I need to learn how to control the frequency of energy flowing in and out of my muse. A frequency high enough to inspire me, yet not so high I float away with it.