On we go

I entered the new year feeling very at peace with myself. Accepting what is, has been, could be and what is simply not. Yet I’ve noticed myself becoming horribly critical toward my output as the year begins to find it’s feet. It’s as if my mind has gone ‘you’ve had enough rest now, it’s time to pick up your shit and start powering forward again’, yet my body has not caught up to my mind yet.

I’d consider myself a pretty driven person most of the time, but with this has come plentiful burn out, over-analyzation and extreme self-criticism. My mind really struggles to take the gas off and as efficient as that sounds, it’s actually been the opposite. I can run a million miles per hour yet be running in circles, and it’s taken me years to realise this. I have to be very discipline, structured and methodical when it comes to ticking things off my never-ending to do list. It takes active control and effort to reign myself in and focus on the present mountain, instead of jumping from one to the next and never completing anything… Ugh, I’m so good at draining my own energy wowee. And yet people ask why I’m so extroverted? Well… the noise stops when I’m in good company, so I run to people when I’m overwhelmed or misguided by my own compass. Some people recharge alone, I recharge with people. Not awfully helpful when I’m battling burn out though, which seems to happen atleast once or twice a year. Hmmm…

Sometimes I wish I could switch it all off. Find a way to just coast instead of constantly striving. I used to think it’s because I wanted more, yet I’ve luckily learnt it’s actually just purpose driven - I find copious amounts of fulfilment when I’m actively participating in the direction of my life. I still save room for spontaneity and surprise, allowing life to guide me forward, yet a rough agenda and schedule designed to keep me moving and not remain stagnant is 100% mandatory for me. I need things to look forward to, otherwise I shut down and find myself doing the motions with zero active intention and consciousness fuelling my fire. Routine only works for me in sprints, not in longevity. I thrive in the chaos as much I do in the order, so creating room for both which I can easily swing in and out of, is hands down my happy place. For example, I’m back home in New Zealand right now and as much as I love reconnecting with my roots, I’m well aware that there is a point in which I’ll be itching to leave. I can’t stay here too long, otherwise I start feeling like I’m falling backwards again. So I’ve set myself seven weeks, in which I’ll be helping mates out with their businesses, keeping busy and can still get out of here on a high. If I pushed that to say nine or ten weeks… I’d be in trouble. Does that make sense? I thrive in change and challenge, and although a little stability in-between can be grounding for awhile, it’s not the place I like to stay too long and convincing me otherwise is like putting a knife to my dreams. A bit dramatic maybe, but the stability is a place I accepted for years whilst I hustled through business ownership and now the thought of doing that again sounds like a death wish. One day I’ll be ready to cultivate more order, yet that time is not now and it won’t be for awhile.

As I find myself in this short sprint of routine and mundanity, it’s important I find the balance between discipline yet also patience and kindness toward myself. Everyday still do one thing that aids my growth, and also do one thing that say’s ‘you’re doing good Tess, don’t stress too much’. The balance would be incredibly effective if I can summon it! Harder said then done though… Yet I do hope to go a little easier on myself, trusting in the process and disabling the emotional attachment to these rather insignificant milestones. If I’m clear about what it is I’m working toward and cultivating, which I am… And I’m still heading in that general direction even if it’s not as straight of a road I’d hoped for… which again, I am… Then everything is just dandy, right? Why waste energy kicking myself for the slower days, when it gives me the stamina for the busy days? Why waste energy telling myself I’m doing it wrong when that energy could be used toward getting it right next time? Why spend so much time upstairs in the compartments of my fucking brain when I could be spending that time actioning my life in reality? See… I’m self aware enough to pin point precisely where my speed bumps are, I just need to improve the tactics in which I drive them.

Aw man, what a world we live in. One day at a time, step by step, not mountain by mountain. Slow down to speed up Tessa.