Apples
Touched down in New York City. A place I’ve dreamt about since I was 16 years old. The constant chaos, muse and noise adding to the evolution of my very being. A place where you don’t stop - you run, at the fastest speed you can through the never ending streets. You hustle, network, build the foundation toward your success. The city that never sleeps offering you fame and wonders. The place you come to embody your main character personality…
Blindsided, perhaps.
Feelings of naivety, innocence and emptiness sweep over me. I’m unsure what I expected, but I can promise you it seemed more ‘light’ in my mind than this. Off the back of discovering who I really am, what my values are and how I consistently apply them to all I do… I now find myself challenged more than ever to push away the noise and stay on my own path.
As NYC screams my name into the air, I find myself caught between who I am,
and who I need to be.
I see people who lack substance. Their complexities stem only from their emotional inabilities. Harsh, I know. As if their capability to sugar coat their existence with flashy things acts as a sort of ‘temporary’ bandaid to the hollowness they truly feel. A place full of such wonder has birthed sheep who dress in ties to prove they’re worth something. Sheep who value hierarchy, wealth and status. I ask you, “tell me who you are” - You reply with how much money you make, who you hangout with and what your position at work is. This is not the question I’m asking though… TELL ME WHO YOU FUCKING ARE!!! And now here I am, demanding myself to stand in front of these cameras and tell you why I’m worthy. Yet I do not desire to prove myself through insignificant values.
I ponder - ‘Is it possible to reach success without being a narcissist?’ - I’m unsure, and that’s very conflicting.
I’m frustrated the world can still exist this way. Have I really lived in blissful ignorance for this long?! I’ve already gone down this overpopulated materialistic path before and I simply refuse to do it again. Should I sympathise? As we are a product of our environment and this entire place is built to pull lost puppies into it’s kennel and feed them treats when they ‘succeed’. Yes, I am referring to people as puppies…
Saddened by the realisation that I have to step into someone I am not, in order to become someone they recognise, knowing I’ll have to find my way back home when the time comes to leave. That is all but petrifying. What if I cannot find my way back? What if I lose myself completely in the process? Am I willing to take these risks?
I do not desire to shape-shift and mould against my own values just so you say my name correctly and look me in they eyes. I’m not willing to adapt so far, I cannot reverse and start losing the ones who know I’m better than this.
Am I willing to step below my own bar, to gain establishment of a world I’m unsure I even want to belong in?
Can I play the part? Can I become the character? If I do, will I return to myself, or will my core become the graveyard of my higher self?
I guess that’s why I’m here… To discover if I’m strong enough to pave my own way, which I now realise is not the way they want me to go. Can I mould, bend and shape-shift through constant human exploration whilst holding the backbone of who I am? Let’s test it.