Cap It.

Energy going out, fumes coming back in…

I’ve been caught in the cycle far too many times before. So many that I’d previously presumed my intel on when to draw the line would’ve sparked up in time, yet I’ve been caught out, once again. Love that, it’s like a game of cat and mouse yet just with myself.

Note to self : Be more in control of my energy cap and find the fucking lid before it’s too late. If I don’t, I’m one hell of a sassy, short fused kitty cat with a heck of a big meow on her! As kinky as that may sound, it’s not in the cute way I know you’re thinking…

You see, I’m the literal definition of an extrovert. I cannot say no to a social opportunity, I get fomo if I can’t copy and paste myself into multiple occasions or areas of the room at once and I most definitely hate declining the rare moment’s I could get to know someone better. All of these ‘needs’ (guess we can call them that), demand a high level of fuel from my gas tank, I’m basically the 1984 5.8L V8 Ford Bronco at this point! (Sexy). Let’s also keep in mind that I have an incredibly social job, often concluding my only alone time is when I’m in the shower or finally turning out the lights at night.

This doesn’t really bother me! I’m genuinely that extroverted. Yet as I’m getting older, I am noticing little tell tale signs for the batteries hitting dead low, flashing red and screaming ‘please dear fucking lord charge me now!!!’ Acknowledging them I’m getting surprisingly good at, yet going and plugging the damn things into the wall to recharge… not so much.

Luckily for me, (or not so lucky) I was diagnosed with severe chronic fatigue almost two years ago. I ignored it at the time, which obviously (so fucking dumb) pushed me to an even scarier and more trialling period last year. At the time I honestly cursed to the skies, how the flying fuck is an extrovert supposed to battle chronic fatigue?! You’re telling me to go sleep for the next six months? Pffftt as fucking if.

Just for those who don’t know what chronic fatigued is…

My definition: The body telling you it needs caffeine injected directly into your veins so you never miss a beat, yet the caffeine doesn’t work so you simply run around like a half existent zombie attempting to not fade away into bones in a pile on the floor…

Google Definition: Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) is a serious and often long-lasting illness that keeps people from doing their usual activities. A disease characterised by profound fatigue, sleep abnormalities, body pain and other symptoms that are made worse by exertion. It makes physical and mental exertion difficult. There is no known cure. (In a nutshell).

So basically, I’m exhausted all the time. Yet not in a ‘I need a nap’ sort of way… More in a ‘I’ve been hit repeatedly by a fucking bus and the pain and concussion never fades’ kind of way. It sounds so dumb, hence why I kept it under wraps for so long. It made me feel isolated, incapable and weak. If I’d attempt to explain the physical symptoms, everyone would simply say ‘take a day off to rest’. Oh… haha do you understand what chronic means?! It’s a lifelong battle!

This made it easier for to keep hush about it, push through the pain and cry every morning as I dragged myself out of bed feeling like my bones were those of a 90 year old and my brain was so jumbled I’d get vertigo and walk into walls. Keep in mind, I was still running my seven day a week business (peak recession), having to show up as hostess of the mostess ‘Tess’ society knowed and loved, boss who lead by example to all my employees, tea towel laundromat, accountant, hot and sexy girlfriend, best-friend to a list so long I lost count decades ago, aunty, daughter, sister and business coach. Should we also just add that I helped open the wine bar last year too??

I guess you could say I became so use to the pain, that I’d forgotten what it felt like to be a normal, functioning, healthy twenty seven year old. Rather depressing… which of course then lead me into a deep depression. How convenient…

Anywho moving along, as I’m not too interested in delving much deeper on that period right now. Onto the more cherry part of this post, I managed to put one foot in front of they other and slowly exit the chaos that was my life and walk toward a serene and silent environment. From there I did a shit ton of research, started implementing rituals to aid the pain and help balance my mental state. Let’s also add that I did a full body cleanse and gut micro-biome rebuild, which luckily over a period of about five months began to have an impact. Predominantly because it gave my cells the opportunity to regenerate and adapt to my new environment. It worked! Those closest to me said I was like a new person. Colour back in my skin, my hair finally stopped falling out, my eyes were bluer and overall my entire approach to each day was light and fresh. It was almost as if someone had kindly taken off the massive cargo ship I’d be carrying around on my back for the last few years. With that also came a positive shift in my relationship to anxiety and other ocd behaviours I’d somehow picked up throughout this time on Zombieland.

Yet I must add, none of this turning point came without compromise. I’m not going to get into it now, yet let’s just say that I had to make some of the hardest, most testing decisions I’ve ever had to make in order to get my health back on track. To this day I have not allowed myself to fully comprehend these decisions and I’d be lying if I said I was ready to unpack them.

I digress! Back to the top, I’ve noticed myself putting out a lot of energy and not doing the rituals I know I need to do in order to refuel the tank. Hence me currently running on fumes. Symptoms of my chronic fatigue have been creeping back up (as mentioned, it’s incurable and always sit’s in the background waiting to attack my nervous system) and I’ve recognised mild reactions and behavioural patterns that scream burn out. SO, it’s 150% time for me to find the lid and cap it. As hard as this is for me to do, I know if I don’t I’ll be in serious trouble.

Hard when I’m currently in a new place with such a vast amount of new friends and opportunities at my doorstep! Yet the mild version of me is certainly not as fun and exciting as the spicy energised version, so I remind myself of this in the moments I get low due to waiting at hibernation station.

The positive part is, every time I have to pull back and hibernate is often such a beautiful time and space for me to lap up all my creativity and pour it onto the page, which gives me energy and get’s me excited. Incredible how endorphins can be released from creative outlet’s, even better when I can monetise them. Luckily for me, the more time I spend navigating this exertion, the better I get at coping with the downtime and doing the things I need to do in order to refill my cup. I do sometimes wonder how my future partner will navigate this when we have children running around our feet and I’m battling a flare up… Yet for now it’s just me, myself and my chronic fatigue highs and lows! Phew!

Second and final note to self: Cap it Tess, it doesn’t make you weak xxx