CRUX.
The moment when everything reaches boiling point, all energy shifts and we’re quite literally forced to make change.
I’ve reached that point.
Hours upon days upon weeks upon months, have been spent attempting to hold everything together. Only to discover the grazes and bruises have been pathetically covered up with bandaids and now they have worn off, exposing the wounds for all to see. I grit my teeth at the sight of them, kicking myself at the time wasted trying to hide them in the first place…
How incredibly naive of me to assume I had it all under control? How idiotic of me to allow myself a second of optimism? Such a fool to believe for even a moment, that these wounds would not create bruises and those bruises would lead to pain and the pain would lead to decisions and the decisions would lead to the crux and the crux would lead to change. Such a fool to believe if I managed to hold those bandaids there long enough, the grazes and bruises would simply disappear?! Silly little girl.
The truth is harsh, ugly and it hurts. No one desires to feel hurt. No one deserves to feel small. Yet the longer we allow our boundaries to be broken, the smaller we begin to feel, until we become the smallest of fragments within our mind. I’ve allowed this to happen, and that’s the hard truth.
My fear of being unloved is the very reason I’m now alone. How ironic…
The pot has been slowly simmering away, patiently waiting it’s boiling point, to now finally reach full heat and boil over in a sputtering mess. I attempted to keep a tight lid on it, yet I couldn’t hold it there any longer. My hands are burnt from the steam and I’m in so much pain that I’ve had to walk away from the pot completely and save it’s resuscitation for another day. Maybe a day I feel more capable, a day when the pain has eased, a day I wake and feel brave enough to admit the reasons I let it boil over in the first place… “I missed the timer,” I’ll tell myself for now.
Yet the crux say’s it all. The irony is beyond me. I know why I’m now standing here and I’m thankfully not dumb enough to believe it will stay this way, yet I am completely perplexed by the unfolding of this narrative. I feel blindsided and that’s not something I experience often. So what now? Easy said not easy done:
Admit the crux of the issue.
Address the harsh, ugly and painful reality.
Go inward, be discipline, barriers back up, re-align with my inner child.
Make the change necessary and get the fuck out of this place.
I’m better than this, and I know it. That’s why it hurts so bad.
