NUMB.

I’ve spent months internalising this is exact moment… So much energy gearing me up for this experience, the next few weeks and essentially one of the biggest pivotal changes I make this year.

The Scene:

I arrived back in Takaka, Golden Bay at 2am last night. My ex partner of seven years holding my hand as we exit the plane together and jump into our car, heading over the hill in pitch black with nothing but the sound of our emotions powering throughout our bodies. As we re-enter our house and walk into the four walls of our master bedroom, we look around at the space that stills holds us in collaboration. All the dreams we held together remained exactly where we had left them. All the little signs showcasing the investment we had put into the last seven years of our relationship… As if no time had passed, yet we had changed drastically.

Crawling into bed, we look into each others eyes and just stare in complete silence, hand in hand until we fall into the safety of our sleep.

The early morning light awakes us, just gone 5am. As he picks up the pieces of his heart, and pulls himself away from my touch to face the day ahead. Straight back into the same routine we had left in, a full day out at sea diving and pondering over the trillion thoughts encompassing his mind. He sighs, as his logic tells him to pull it together yet his tummy turns in a silent scream… I watch him, reminded of how easy I can still read his thoughts through what he does not say - instead how he moves, how his eyes sit heavy. Seven years of learning every tiny detail that makes up him. I look away as my heart pulls at the places I’d been denying refuge over the last six months. I attempt to sleep for longer to only surrender to the pace of my mind, slowly arising to the mental chaos that will swallow me whole over the coming days. Alone again, yet still somehow here - together. How incredibly confronting.

Seven years of believing, hoping, waiting and wishing that our alignment would continue to prevail. Actively collaborating on this future together. Convincing ourselves that the raging fire of our union would always be enough, as it still ignites today the same way it did all those years ago. Now faced with the reality of our actions - with the sinking ship that once flew across the oceans with the wind in it’s sail…

It’s easy to make a decision when you’re amidst the high of life, chasing all human pleasures. It’s easy to believe you do not need them anymore when your compass points true north yet your heart is pulling south. Your logical brain can give you the answers you need, putting your heart into a slow simmer as you move forward independently. Yet as soon you stand in front of one another again, staring into the souls you both know so damn well… it completely breaks every single bone you had built to move on. You see, nothing can replace that kind of love. The kind that has moved so unconditionally through years upon years of highs and lows, through every opportunity that’s pulled us away yet our love always beating so strong and pulling us back together. Growing from our younger selves into the man and woman we are now. It’s completely irreplaceable… No matter how hard we try, we know every inch of one another’s being like the back of our hand. We can say nothing and still read the silence. We can action our logical brain and still read the real intent…

It’s like a book we have both read a dozen times yet never been brave enough to finish the last chapter.

Is this our last chapter? We’re telling ourselves it is, yet our hearts are saying different. As I look around this home I saw my future in only eleven months ago. As I pack away the apron I bought as the version of myself preparing for fertility. That woman he knows so well is still there, and he’s still very much in love with her, yet it’s all on pause as she chases these crazy pipeline dreams that he of all people knows how badly she needs to go do. “I can’t hold you back right now, you’re about to flourish and I’ll be right there alongside you, as your number one supporter. We have to hold trust right now baby, hold that love” he say’s as he stares into my goddamn soul and pulls out every ounce of fear drumming throughout my body - The way he always has and continues to do.

One part of me is simply baffled at how less than a year ago, I whole heartedly believed this is what I wanted, and let me confirm, it’s not that I don’t, it’s simply a ‘not yet’… I went away to challenge the 0.5% of my intuition that pondered a contrasting narrative yet genuinely believed that I would always find my way back home, that the time in-between was to force me out of the shell I’d been in and allow me the clarity to know this is where I DID want to settle. But the more I move toward my next trajectory, the more we both realise that this future we’ve been building is on hold, as we now see an even GREATER future and find ourselves stepping into the challenge of it’s creation at the risk of losing the very seed of it’s purpose…

This shit is fucking destiny and we can feel it tingling across our skin, completely besotted with the fact that eleven months can cross us and we still stand here together as if no time passed at all, no history can damage us, completely and utterly impenetrable by the noise of the lives we’ve lived apart, the people screaming our names, the dumb actions and miscalculated emotions.

So I ask myself… Is this truly the end? Or is it a new beginning? Is it a necessary re-configuration, and abandoning all hope of future reconnection would be doing us a dis-justice? It’s clear that we simply moved past the old versions of ourselves, the old trajectory, the old walls we built, but the love still remains as deep as it did seven years ago… If anything, it’s developed even deeper for us over this past week, how typical. Though it’s simply too heart quenching to try seek answers inside this current, and only time will tell us what the night sky whispers… Yet what I do know, is leaving now follows my true north. It closes the old parts of myself that no longer serve me and releases my soul from the karmic cycles I had been stuck in for so long, too long. I see so much happiness igniting on this path forward, and it’s a path I must follow alone. Same goes, as he also has quests to complete within the sphere of independence. And that is all that matters right now, following the call of the present, abandoning the attachment to one another and the fear of it being the end… Walking forward with the acceptance of both realities. Amor Fati - Love fate. Trust in the power of love guiding you forward, it’s all you can really do.