Resistance.
Knowing when to gain control, opposed to loosening the reins…
I’ve found myself at yet another crossroad. I’m demanding copious amounts of energy from myself to tackle mental barriers and gain understanding over situations I’m yet to conclude. Finding myself frustrated and aggravated when I notice patterns repeating themselves, doors unable to be closed when their time is up and old habits resurfacing.
I’m not here to repeat my old ways, I’m here to evolve and continue on an upward trajectory. The level of frustration I’m finding myself in from these constant repetitive loops that are very clearly holding me back, is truly making me loopy. Cycles I can’t seem to kick to the curb because unfortunately for me, the overall lesson has not yet been learnt! I’ve watched my mother do this her entire life, repeating patterns due to her inability to understand what the universe is demanding of her. Yet here I am, doing the same thing yet so fucking desperately trying not to…
Gaining control has been at the pinnacle of my to do list whilst I navigate these rather monumental games within the crux of my own mind. A generic human reaction… The desire to gain control when we feel ‘out of control’. In contrary, letting go is sometimes the answer. How fucking typical.
The more I find myself attempting to gain control over the things I do not yet understand, the tighter I’m pulling the reins, forcing my sphere to become much smaller as I follow the map I was given and by default pushing away any new potential routes ahead. It makes complete sense, if I’m craving control, I’ll naturally gravitate to the path that makes me feel safe. I can control what I already know, yet I cannot control the unknown. We often believe that gaining control can get us to our destination faster and in some cases it can, yet only when we know what the destination is! We are running into the dark no matter how fast or slow we run, regardless of holding a map in our hands.
So, as I find myself in this place of limitation, realising that my need to control is actually hindering my success, not aiding it… Calls for the exact opposite to overtake my logic. Letting go and loosening the reins. I need to do the exact opposite of what my mind and body are gravitating toward and allow the path to slowly come to light, the conclusions I’m desperately scavenging for to come to me in their own time and in ways I likely wouldn’t have noticed by looking down the microscope. It’s the annoying saying your grandmother always told you when you lost your first love “A new door will open when you least expect it”. Grandma is 100% correct. New doors and ideas come to light when we find peace within ourself. When we’re perfectly content with our sphere and aligned with the present. This is why people travel, to force themselves into the unknown, loosing control in the hope it will bring them genuine joy and deeper connection to their inner-self, which again, we often do not find if we’re not present and intentional with all we do.
If I’m too caught up using all my six cylinders to keep that grasp tight on my reins, I will not have the energy to be present and intentional in my everyday life. Without those two things, I will eventually start to feel hollow, thus being the current status of my inner realm. I’ve lost my creativity, my excitement for each day and I’m simply passing through the motions of it all, losing a lack of self care and deep appreciation for myself… Something I do not hide very well. Time for the focus to shift, the perspective to become that of a birds eye view and the intention to be poured into re-sparking my energy for each and everyday that I’m existing. Anything that stands in the way of me achieving this simple step is the only thing I need to actively take control over to remove from my life. If it’s in the way, pick it up and toss it away. This is all about pushing the simplify button, not making everything so complicated by attempting to control every single tiny aspect of my life. It’s about letting go of what I know I cannot control and allowing the universe to shine light on what is meant to come to me. Trusting that my intentional self will recharge the cylinders I need to attract what I truly need and desire.
I cannot expect good opportunities to come my way if the energy I’m giving out is that of a depleted, controlled, closed off version of myself.
To break these repetitive cycles, it’s obvious I need to change my approach as it’s very clearly not working. I’ve never truly let go… Not enough to allow space and time just for myself to do what I deeply desire. I’ve made very intentional and strategic moves in my life, yet never allowed enough time for me to truly sit with myself long enough to reap the creative rewards off the back of my learnings. Always afraid that if I sit for too long, the goals will somehow dissipate, which is incorrect. I feel like I’m screaming at myself to change, it’s so fucking loud and honestly just annoying to be in my own mind right now! Like going to your therapist and repeating the same session every week for years straight. I’m exhausted with myself, how riveting.
Yet from experience I know this crossroad speaks in volume… It’s when we become completely and utterly dissatisfied with ourself, that we build a path toward change. That path cannot be created without you allowing your intentional self to stand at the forefront. It’s a simple order of events:
Intentional self and presence = Change in your habits and relationship with yourself = New pathways/doors of opportunity to open
The answers sit within this simple order of events. It starts with loosening the reins enough to be present, removing the unnecessary distractions obstructing your view and then acting on the parts of yourself that no longer align with your newfound value system.
Lastly, your ability to be selfish with your time, energy and intentions is absolutely fundamental to your success. Never forget that, never… Being someone who 90% of the time is a pushover, I’m speaking from experience that it will be your biggest interference, so hold yourself high. It’s mandatory.